Pillars of Compatibility
Compatibility is the capacity to live together in harmony. It does not mean being exactly alike, being perfect, or having few disagreements. Shared interests are great, but they don’t matter as much as we think. What matters is alignment. Much like puzzle pieces with very different angles and edges, what is important is fit, not sameness. Here are some pillars of compatibility to make assessing your relationship viability a bit easier:
Alignment of goals and values: These are the big things, such as do you both want marriage and children? Are religious and cultural practices important to prioritize in your life together? You don’t necessarily have to see exactly eye to eye on all of these points but it helps to know where each of you stands. And if you don’t fully align, what compromises can be made to meet somewhere in the middle where both of you feel satisfied?
Emotional Compatibility: This essentially means, you are both comfortable with the other’s emotional management and reactivity. You get each other or you’re working on it (this doesn’t happen overnight). You evolve emotionally together, meaning growth and change are happening simultaneously and for the betterment of the relationship.
Sexual Compatibility: Are you both open to meeting each other’s needs when engaging in sexual intimacy? This does not mean that the sex was good or bad on the first try. When you build trust, safety, and intimacy with someone sex can change and evolve. Compatibility means working together well, and this includes in the bedroom. Sexual compatibility can only develop through exploration and communication.
Communication Compatibility: Here is where I see a lot of couples really struggle with understanding attachment. Communication compatibility has much more to do with our attachment adaptations, feelings of safety, and perceived need to protect ourselves than it does with talking and expressing feelings. We are much more compatible in our communication styles than we think because most of the time arguments arise out of feeling a faulty sense of threat to our safety, and our reaction is usually mutually anxious and fearful but our reactions just manifest differently from each other. Usually, one person moves in and one retreats. Both are reacting to a sense of threat and a need to protect themselves from abandonment or rejection. And both just want to be seen, heard, understood, validated, and safe. The more both parties understand what is happening and what is needed, the more compatibility is developed.