How To Increase Your Dating Confidence
Confidence, like love, is something you do. And you do it daily.
A great definition of confidence is “the congruence between your thoughts and actions.” Do you behave in a way that conveys how well you like yourself? This doesn’t mean that if you’re struggling or if you’re having a moment of self doubt or anxiety that you’re not allowed to show that. Quite the contrary actually. Loving the parts of ourselves that feel doubtful or anxious or scared translates to confidence when other people are invited to truly see our vulnerability.
The faulty cultural definition of confidence sounds a lot like hubris, ego, entitlement, extroversion, or outgoingness to me. But true confidence in oneself is about being your own friend. What does it feel like when you see someone being a great friend to someone else? Your opinion of that person’s value and integrity is strengthened, right? So what happens when we show others the healthy friendship we have with ourselves? It breeds attraction!
The word confidence comes from the French noun confident, derived from the Italian adjective confidente, meaning "trustworthy", and continues on back to the Latin verb confidere, meaning "to confide"—the root of which is fidere, meaning "to trust." So confidence is the antithesis of fake, arrogant, self important, and unbothered which is how many of us use the word confidence these days.
Really in its essence, confidence means self trust.
So the question becomes: how can I become my own confidant, my own best friend? What can I do to develop a healthy relationship with ME? Especially while dating, which is one of the most challenging and risky experiences we have in life.
Well, here’s the key: that vulnerability, warmth, and friendship you have with YOU translates as safety and sincerity to other people.
So how do we exude confidence (aka self trust, self friendship, safety, and sincerity)?
Here are some ideas:
Learn new skills and acknowledge the multitude of skills you already have (and learn how to talk about them with appropriate pride).
Act in accordance with your values - what are your major values for life and relationships? And can you align with these so much that you ARE those values?
Become affirmative in your self-talk - “I can” and “I am” vs “I can’t” or “I’m not”.
Work on dropping a habit and starting a habit. This is how we keep promises to ourselves and develop a sense of trust and honoring within ourselves.
Interview confident people - who do you see as the epitome of confidence in your life? Ask them for their confidence journey story. (Make sure you’re choosing someone who you feel a sense of openness and security with because chances are you’ll start to dive into some vulnerable territory.)
Allow yourself to “fail” and make mistakes- this means experimenting with trying new things you might not feel you’re so good at, having hard conversations, talking about embarrassing or shameful things, and challenging limiting beliefs about yourself that might come up when you do this. Practice with friends and family. This doesn’t have to be something you try on first dates, but it gives you a chance to embody a belief that you are good enough and that you are human.