How Bids for Connection Work
John and Julie Gottman coined the phrase “bid for connection” to identify indicators of our unspoken feelings - basically, any attempt from one partner to another to garner attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids can be big or small or verbal or nonverbal. They can be about you or about your partner. They can be joyful and pleasant, or express sadness and distress. Whatever the case, noticing and responding to bids for connection can deepen intimacy, increase feelings of connectedness, and lead to palpable and transformative richness in your relationship….not to mention, better sex ; )
Obviously, responding accurately to bids for connection creates a felt sense of connection for both of you, potentially leads to physical intimacy, or provides a deepening in your relationship that is necessary for each of you to experience. But there are two problematic ways to respond to a bid:
Turn against, meaning responding to the bid angrily or aggressively.
Turn away, meaning Ignoring the bid.
Turning against or away from a bid leads to feelings of misalignment, disconnection, and abandonment. These are turn offs!
Some examples of bids for connection are sighing, touching, asking for assistance, or expressing an emotion or experience, such as “I’m not having a great day” or “today has been intense.” Additionally, asking “do you like the dinner I cooked?” or “how was your day?” are bids for connection as well.
According to research by the Gottman Institute, couples that stayed together longer than six years turned towards each other 86% of the time. So for example, if someone says to you “I’m not having a great day” and you say “that sucks” and walk away, that bid for connection has activated a sense of rejection for the person doing the bidding. If you sigh and your partner or potential partner says “you’re always unhappy, what is wrong with you?” then again, they have turned against your bid and that exchange probably leaves you feeling abandoned. These are very small (but very relationally BIG!) opportunities to connect, deepen trust and reliability, and ensure relational bondedness. But they are also opportunities to become increasingly turned off.
Now, bids for connection are not the same as mind-reading. Hearing someone say “I’m not having a great day” is an opening for co-regulation and support to occur. By lovingly asking “what’s going on?”, “how can I help?”, or “what do you need?”, you become curious, inquisitive, and interested in your partner’s experience which helps them feel safe, open, and securely attached in the relationship. This is not necessarily an opportunity to fix or resolve your partner’s problem, or change their emotional experience. It’s about being a soft landing for that person’s feelings.
Other examples of bids for connection are smiling, nodding, giving eye contact, reaching for your partner’s hand, complementing, giving gifts, holding a door open, making a meal, sending a funny message via text or on social media, etc. The list goes on and on. It’s all about curating a sense of safety, providing a regulating experience, and activating dopamine in each other.