Where Are All The Good Men?: A Therapist’s Musings
In the realm of relationship therapy, one recurring theme that often emerges is the apparent struggle that many straight women have when searching for a male partner: Where are all the “good” men?
But let me touch on another theme that is quite ignored - the struggle men face in navigating their relationships due to the socio-cultural factors and patriarchal norms that contribute to them. This theme goes hand in hand with women’s current dilemma regarding finding adequate male romantic partners. As a therapist specializing in relational and attachment-based approaches, I believe it's essential to explore these struggles with compassion and understanding to create more connection and less gender polarization. It's important to acknowledge that this discussion is based on a heteronormative perspective, recognizing that relationship dynamics can vary significantly across different gender identities and sexual orientations.
First, it's crucial to understand that all individuals are shaped by their socialization and cultural upbringing. From a young age, boys in the United States and in the West are often taught to suppress their emotions, adhere to rigid gender roles, and prioritize stoicism and independence over vulnerability and connection. These societal expectations can create internalized pressures and conflicts that manifest in relational difficulties and emotional struggles.
On the other side of the equation, women experience challenges particularly when it comes to finding male partners who are willing and able to engage in emotional intimacy and vulnerability, qualities women have been socialized to exhibit and practice from a very young age. At play here is a very real dynamic encouraged by a culture that valorizes masculinity and stoicism while devaluing femininity and emotional expression. It's important to recognize that these challenges are not inherent to men or women themselves but are instead products of broader societal forces and norms. By acknowledging and challenging these norms, we can create space for more authentic and equitable relationships to flourish.
What Women Need to Look At: Exploring the Paradox of "The Nice Guy"
When women tell me they crave male partners who exude safety, kindness, emotional intelligence, and softness, I believe them. However, as a therapist I often find that my female clients quickly dismiss “nice” guys or state that they get “the ick” from men who appear too interested or too forthcoming with their feelings. So what’s going on here?!
The dichotomy between the "nice guy" and the "bad boy" archetype perpetuated by mainstream media and popular culture definitely influences women's perceptions of niceness in men. In a culture that glorifies masculinity and dominance, "nice guys" may be seen as lacking the protection, edge, excitement, and unpredictability that are often associated with the "bad boy" persona. As a result, women may be drawn to men who embody traditional traits of assertiveness and confidence, even if those traits come with their own set of challenges, and even if women intellectually believe they are looking for a gentle man. It’s usually only in hindsight that the reasons behind their attraction to these types of men become more apparent.
I must clarify that women's reactions to "nice guys" are not a reflection of men's inherent worth or value as individuals. Instead, they are shaped by broader socio-cultural norms and expectations surrounding gender roles and dynamics. And men feel this too. It must be confusing to be criticized both for being too toxically masculine AND for being too nice. By interrogating these norms and challenging traditional stereotypes, we can create space for more authentic and egalitarian relationships to flourish. For women, I encourage examining biases and preferences and challenging societal pressures to conform to traditional gender roles.
What Men Need to Look At: Toxic Masculinity
I have a lot of compassion for the experience of men. I’m a man sympathizer, so sue me! Men often face unique struggles in navigating their relationships, including feelings of anger, frustration, shame, rejection sensitivity, and a reluctance to engage in couples work for fear of being seen as “the problem.” These challenges are rooted in societal norms that dictate rigid gender roles and expectations of them, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and limiting men’s ability to learn how to express their emotions authentically. As a result, many men may find it difficult to cultivate healthy and fulfilling relationships, leading to confusion and disillusionment for both themselves and their partners. I encourage men to explore how societal expectations influence their behavior and attitudes toward relationships, and then find partners who will not ostracize them for embracing their softer, more vulnerable sides.
Working Together
By recognizing and interrogating gender norms, we can create a more inclusive and equitable dating and relationship culture that allows individuals of all genders to cultivate healthy, fulfilling, and authentic relationships.
This means if women want to find a good guy they need to lean in to their own discomfort when men embrace vulnerability, make themselves open and available, refuse to play mind games, and maybe even cry! And if men want nurturing, healthy relationships they must lean in to those aforementioned characteristics as well. They must also recognize that women have been shouldering a disproportionate burden of emotional labor and caregiving responsibilities for centuries. Open communication, active listening, reflecting on beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors towards emotions and caregiving are going to foster a very different relational experience for their female counterparts. Men can also cultivate environments in their personal and professional lives where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or ridicule. This may involve seeking out supportive friendships and communities, attending therapy and men’s groups, and advocating for their own mental health and emotional well-being.
In conclusion, the current relationship landscape is shaped by a complex interplay of age-old societal norms, gender roles, and power dynamics, all of which can influence the experiences of both men and women, especially in relationships with each other. By recognizing and interrogating these norms, we can create a more inclusive and equitable dating culture that allows individuals of all genders to cultivate healthy, fulfilling, and authentic relationships. Let's continue to challenge stereotypes, dismantle harmful norms, and create space for genuine connection and mutual respect to thrive. Women deserve to find their good guys, men deserve to take their masks of masculinity off, and both deserve to feel genuinely safe, valued, and loved.